My Life

Okay, I am going to write a book about my life.
I know it may be pretty boring to some, but it would be more
of a reflection of my life then and now and how much God has
truely changed, not only my life, but my heart and mind as well.
About two weeks ago my mom calls and asks me for a time line of my life.
Like bullet points, dates, years of my life experiences. I was like...MOM,
you really don't want to know what I did and where I was. She was like, well
it's not for me...it will be for you. I told my mom that I has surpressed all
that so I would never ever remember it again. I don't want to remember it. So, I
sort of blew her off. I mean..who wants to go and relive their past. Mine was not the most pleasant past to relive. Well, at least from 1990 - until 2000.
But the more I thought about it...the more I thought...well maybe there is something
to learn here. So, I started in 1990. Of course, mom wants me to start back in like middle school. Why?? I think she forgets when I was in school.
Anywho! I started in 1989 when I left home to go live with my dad, ended up getting pregnant and giving my child up for adoption, going on to then graduate from high school in Grapevine.
At this point my life takes a downward spiral that I do not really recover from it until the year 2000. What I mean by recover is actually starting to work my way back to GOD. Yep...loooking back, I can totally see what life is like with out God. Now, don't think that I was like a "Non-believer" Because I always believed in God and Jesus Christ as my savior. The difference was that I didn't live or love in the truth. I didn't bask in his glory. I didn't have a one on one relationship with him as I do now. Thinking back about my state of mind during this time...and remember not ever praying or talking to him. I was so lost. I can remember how I felt, always running away from something. When I say run, I litteraly would disappear. I would run to a different city and just try starting new and try to figure things out, and then end up right back where I started. I did this numerous times from 1991 - 1995. I finally gave in and went to my mom and asked for help. We talked and I went back to school. (1995 - 1997) Thinking that I might find myself in school and get away from some negative influences that kept surrounding me. Again, still running, but not the right direction. It did help a little. I was able to at least stablize myself and get a better grasp on my life. However, I made a big mistake and ended up right back again where I started. Two years after I married, I was divorced. I had met up with an old friend during this time and she sort of re-introduced me to God. I wasn't ready yet...but it got the ball rolling. I realized that the person I was married to was not heading in the same direction as I was and I was desperate to get out. However, I promised to stay with him no matter what, in front of God, and that meant a lot to me. I stuck in there until I couldn't take it anymore and left. It was the best thing at that time to ever happen to me. I met my husband two months after I moved out and we started dating seriously after the divorce.
Again, I felt lost and alone and not sure what to do with my life. I was scared. I started reading the bible and remember the talks Heather and I had working together. I got a bible from my Aunt that X-mas before 2000. One day I picked it up and started reading. I was back on the right road, I just didn't know it yet.
In May of 2000 Kirtus and I were dating pretty regularly and I was feeling that itch to run again...and was about to break it off with him. On June 10, 2000 Kirtus and I were driving to Dublin and we had a head on collison. (Dublin Texas, Ya'll)
I had just gotten a new job...and was about to put in my 2 week notice.
It was crazy. I was the only one to walk away from that crash. I should have been dead. The truck that we hit head on was actually going to broad side us and hit my side head on. I remember feeling like I was not ready to die. This all happened within seconds but playing it back in my mind it was all slow motion.
WHY? Why did I walk away? Well...Kirtus broke his ankle and had to have 2 surgeries on it. He shattered his femur and has a metal rod shoved down the middle of it now. His knee cap...well they made him a new one where the femur exploded. His left hip had broke, but it was a clean break and has two long ass screws in him there. He was in bed for two weeks in the hospital. They thought he would be in longer, but my husband heals pretty quickly. Thanks be to God.
I took care of him for the next 4 or 5 months. I worked and paid both of our apartment rents and his child support,food, bills. I fed, and bathed him and basically took care of him. All on my own.
The man in the truck we hit had severe brain injury and the woman in the passenger seat was pregnant and died.
So, I see now why I lived. I still had much to learn about myself and God.
Of course I thought of running and getting the heck out of dodge when I saw Kirtus out cold in the hospital bed. Thoughts went through my mind...your not married, you have no obligation. But, I see now that Satan was feeding me that fear.
I loved this man so much that I did feel obligated to stay and take care of him. And it wasn't about loving him in a marital sense...it was about loving him because he was a human being that needed help. I think now that maybe God touchd my heart in a way at that time I didn't understand.
God has a plan. I'm not sure that this is all his plan for me. I'm sure there is more to his plan that hasn't been revealed to me yet.
So, after the crash, I started having major pains and thought that it might be due to the crash and went to the doctor. I had a cyst the size of a grapefruit on my ovary. It had totally crushed my ovary and fallopian tube and all was removed except the right ovary and tube and my uterus. I thought that I would never have kids again.
Time went on and Kirtus and I got closer. Now, I'm not perfect. I had premarital sex and yes...I got pregnant. Kirtus and I had just started talking about marriage and well...bam!!! So...there wasn't a shot gun wedding. I wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing and so was he!!! Garrett was born 12/02/01...I was married 5/03/02.
Not many people know that. I guess I've just been a bit ashamed, but we loved each other and were committed even before we took our vows before God.
Oh...and I still haven't totally committed myself at this point...so all is forgiven. ;) (that is a little joke)
Well...I won't get into it much futher than this. 6 years later on 5/13/07 I was washed in the baptismal waters. All those fears of what will be is gone. I've given my life to God and to serve him.
He has touched my life and made me whole again.
I sometimes sit in my bible study class and feel like I have nothing to give, nothing to show how God has touched my life.
Well, I am a walking miracle. I just never realized it until tonight when i started doing that crazy time line for my mother.
Isn't God amazing, how he uses othe people in our life to knock some sense into us?
My faith is strong!
There is so much more to my crazy life that I didn't share, sex, drugs and rock and roll. Crazy trips to no where and people I met. Things I did. The horrible things I did and said to my family and friends. 10 years I was lost.
If anyone ever questions God's patience...tell them about me.
Thanks for reading. I know it was really long and a little deep. I may have gotten off track a bit...but I feel like I need to put it down in writing so that I can remember this moment and share with others.

God Bless.

Dana

:)